Loud Hands, Quiet Mouths

Men’s masturbation lives are loud in practice and quiet in conversation. On one side, we have detailed, high-intensity routines; on the other, a culture where most people still flinch at the idea of talking openly about what they do with their own hands.

The reality: almost everyone is doing it

TENGA’s national and global surveys have hammered home the same point for nearly a decade: masturbation is almost universal. In the inaugural “United States of Masturbation” survey, 88% of Americans reported masturbating, including 95% of men. Later waves and the Self‑Pleasure Reports confirm that most adults masturbate and that many use it to relieve stress, manage sexual tension, and feel better overall.

The data from my Bateworld polls sit inside that broader landscape and show what this looks like when masturbation is not just present, but central. When members describe their sexual lives, masturbation isn’t a backup plan; for many, it is the plan, the main way they experience and express their sexuality, with partner sex layered on top when it fits their lives. Men talk about decades of daily bating, elaborate edging rituals, and solo or mutual sessions that are emotional, meditative, or spiritual as much as they are physical.

In other words, the practice is loud: frequent, intentional, and deeply woven into how men in your community understand themselves as sexual beings.

The silence: almost no one is talking about it

The same TENGA data that show widespread masturbation also document how rarely it gets discussed. In the U.S. survey, 83% of respondents said they seldom or never talk about masturbation openly, and 54% said they feel uncomfortable even bringing up the topic. People guessed that far fewer Americans masturbate than actually do, and 29% admitted lying about masturbation at least once, usually out of embarrassment or fear of being judged.

When I asked the Bateworld community who knows the full truth about their masturbation habits, the answers mirrored that communication gap. The most common choice was that only an online buddy (a bate friend, cam friend, or chat) knows everything; the second‑largest group said no one really knows because they keep their masturbation life entirely to themselves. Partners and close offline friends show up, but in much smaller numbers, and many respondents describe giving those people a partial, carefully edited version of their solo sex lives.

So we end up with a striking mismatch: a sexual behavior that is central and carefully cultivated, and a conversation pattern that keeps most of that truth hidden.

Why the story stays quiet

Research and commentary converge on a few reasons for this.

First, there’s stigma and shame, much of it learned early. TENGA’s own writing on male masturbation stigma points to religious condemnation, media jokes, and schoolyard mockery that frame masturbation as ridiculous, dirty, or a sign of weakness, even while almost everyone is doing it. A 2024 overview of masturbation research in Psychology Today notes that the practice remains controversial in many religious and cultural traditions, where it’s sometimes described as morally wrong or spiritually dangerous.

Second, there are gendered expectations. TENGA’s large follow-up studies on masculinity found that people tend to overestimate how traditional and emotionally closed men are, and underestimate how willing men actually are to talk about their feelings and sexual complexity. Men internalize those expectations: they may be privately comfortable with their own masturbation, but they assume others will find explicit talk “too much,” childish, or creepy, so they default to silence.

Third, there’s relational anxiety. Studies of pornography conversations show that men are more likely to avoid talking about their porn use with partners than almost any other sensitive topic, and that this avoidance is linked to lower sexual satisfaction. Counselors and therapists report similar dynamics around masturbation itself: partners may suspect or know it’s happening, but the topic feels so loaded that both sides tiptoe around it.

My own data highlight a fourth element: context and curation. When men are inside a masturbation‑centered space, like Bateworld, they tell the full story. They share their routines, toys, fantasies, grooming habits, and emotional attachments to bating in rich detail. When they step outside that context, they strategically decide who gets to know what, and most people never hear the complete version.

The cost of the quiet story

Some might argue that masturbation is private and doesn’t need to be discussed. Privacy is valid; forced disclosure isn’t the goal. But the combination of a loud practice and an overly quiet story can create problems.

• In relationships, a partner may not realize that masturbation is a man’s primary outlet or that he has a full, sophisticated solo life that doesn’t reflect a lack of desire for them. Without that context, solo sex can feel like competition instead of a parallel part of his sexuality.
• For individuals, men who strongly prefer masturbation, especially those who resonate with solosexual identities, may feel “out of step” or broken if they never hear anyone else admit the same thing. Articles and personal essays on solosexuality show how powerful it can be for people to discover language that frames their preference as an orientation rather than a defect.
• Culturally, the silence keeps old myths alive: that masturbation is for teenagers, that serious adults move past it, or that it’s only acceptable as a quick fix when “real sex” isn’t available. TENGA’s 2017 report noted that while half of people say open discussion of sexual topics is good for society, fewer than a third have ever actually talked about masturbation with anyone. The result is a culture where everyone is doing it, but the public narrative still hasn’t caught up.

Bringing the story a little closer to the practice

The way forward doesn’t have to be dramatic. No one is suggesting that every detail of every solo session needs to be disclosed. What the data point toward is something more modest and humane: letting the story move a bit closer to reality, especially in relationships and communities where trust already exists.

That might mean:

• Acknowledging to a partner that masturbation is not just incidental, but a regular and meaningful part of your sexual life.
• Naming, without apology, that you enjoy edging, toys, porn, or mutual camming, and inviting conversation about how that intersects with your shared sex life.
• Talking with at least one trusted friend, group, or professional about what masturbation really looks like for you, so the whole identity doesn’t have to live in a private silo.

My Bateworld polls show what becomes possible when men have a place where masturbation is assumed, not judged, and is respected: the practice becomes creative, communal, and often deeply affirming. The challenge, and the opportunity, is to extend just enough of that honesty into the rest of life that the story doesn’t have to be so quiet, and the men living it don’t have to feel quite so alone with something they share with almost everyone else.

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References

Bustle. (2016, September 22). Almost everyone is masturbating, but we’re still not talking about it, survey finds. https://www.bustle.com/articles/185565-almost-everyone-is-masturbating-but-were-still-not-talking-about-it-survey-finds

Colorado Relationship Therapy. (2024, February 11). What’s up with male masturbation stigma? https://www.coloradorelationshiptherapy.com/blog/making-intentional-time-in-your-relationship-3aaxm

Guy Stuff Counseling. (2025, August 23). Husband watching porn and masturbating (you can’t talk about that!). https://guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/bid-88310-husband-watching-porn-and-masturbating-you-can-t-talk-about-that/

TENGA. (2016, September 23). Americans love to masturbate, but hate to talk about it [Press release]. PR Newswire. https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/americans-love-to-masturbate-but-hate-to-talk-about-it-300333137.html

TENGA. (2016). United State(s) of Masturbation Survey Results. TENGA Co., Ltd. https://www.tenga.co/press/TENGA_2016_US_Full_Report.pdf

TENGA. (2017). TENGA Masturbation Behavior and Perceptions Study. TENGA Co., Ltd. https://www.tenga.co/press/TENGA_2017_US_Full_Report.pdf

TENGA. (2020). TENGA Self‑Pleasure Report 2020. TENGA Co., Ltd. https://usstore.tenga.co/pages/globalreport​

TENGA. (2021). TENGA Self Pleasure Report 2021. TENGA Co., Ltd. https://usstore.tenga.co/pages/globalreport2021

TENGA Global. (2024, November 25). How do we get over the male masturbation stigma? https://blog.tenga-global.com/how-do-we-get-over-the-male-masturbation-stigma-8793800d2668

The Bator Blog. (2025, March 18). The solosexual life: Desire for masturbation over partnered sex. https://www.thebatorblog.com/male-masturbation/the-solosexual-life-desire-for-masturbation-over-partnered-sex/

VICE. (2024, August 8). I’m a solosexual. I prefer masturbation to partnered sex. https://www.vice.com/en/article/solosexual-what-it-means-why-i-prefer-masturbation/

Grubbs, J. B., Exline, J. J., & Pargament, K. I. (2024). Study found that men avoid talking about problematic pornography use more than they avoid talking about other topics. Reddit /r/science summary of the article in Psychology & Sexuality. https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/1dum979/study_found_that_men_avoid_talking_about/