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**REPOST**
I've been thinking about something that has come up indirectly in a few conversations lately. How much of ourselves do we really owe another person, even someone we're very close to?
We talk a lot about honesty in relationships, and rightly so. I think most of us would agree that trust matters enormously. But I've never been entirely convinced that honesty and complete disclosure are necessarily the same thing.
There are things about me that I've never shared with anyone. Not because they're terrible secrets or because I'm deliberately hiding something. Some are just private thoughts, memories, fantasies, insecurities, or experiences that I've never felt the need to put into words. They're part of who I am, but I'm not sure that automatically makes them anyone else's business.
And I suspect most men have some version of that private territory.
What interests me is where privacy ends and secrecy begins. If you deliberately keep something from your partner because you know it would change how they see you, is that different from simply having parts of yourself that belong only to you? Does the answer depend on what you're keeping private, or why?
I also wonder whether this changes as we get older. Maybe we become more comfortable with the idea that two people can be genuinely close without knowing absolutely everything about each other. Or perhaps the longer we're with someone, the more we expect that nothing significant should remain unexplored.
I don't have a particularly firm answer to this. I value honesty, but I also think it's important to maintain a sense of yourself as an individual, even within a deeply committed relationship.
I'm curious how other men think about it.
How much of yourself should remain private, even in your closest relationship? And where, for you, is the line between privacy and secrecy?
When I was in High School, I took a Psychology and Sociology class. The course curriculum was excellent, and it was taught by a kick-ass teacher. I remember the teacher stating how exceedingly rare that a couple is 100% open with each other. That struck me – I still remember it decades later – and I wondered if I would be the exception.
I no longer wonder; I’m not.
I think the simplest answer to what’s private versus what’s secretive centers on whom would be psychologically or emotionally harmed should the other person discover it. If discovery harms you, it’s private. If it harms your partner, it’s secretive.
A fetish that would embarrass you if your partner found out is private. You cheating on your partner is secretive. Your partner will suffer if they discover the cheating.
I think some things that you hold private are things which your partner has no interest. Their lack of interest in something you hold dear may sting; so you’re inclined to keep it private.
It can prove difficult to determine whom may be harmed, and therefore what is truly private and what is truly secretive. Miscalculations get us in trouble.
Those rare couples that my High School teacher mentioned are fortunate to be able to expose their entire selves to their partner without either one of them experiencing harm.
That's an interesting way to draw the line between privacy and secrecy, especially the idea of who might get hurt if something were discovered.
Your examples make that distinction pretty clear. There's a real difference between keeping a personal fantasy to yourself and concealing something that violates the trust you've established with your partner.
Where it gets complicated for me is that emotional harm isn't always a reliable measure of whether someone has done something wrong. A partner might feel hurt when they discover a private thought or fantasy, even when no boundaries have been crossed, and no deception was intended.
And I think you touched on something else worth exploring. Sometimes we keep things private not because we're ashamed, but because we know the other person wouldn't understand or share our interest. That doesn't necessarily mean there's anything lacking in the relationship.
Your high school teacher's observation is interesting, too. I wonder whether those rare couples who share absolutely everything are necessarily closer than couples who respect each other's private worlds.
Maybe the real measure of trust isn't knowing everything about someone, but feeling secure enough with them that you don't need to.
I'm curious what you think. Can respecting a partner's privacy actually express trust, rather than limit intimacy?
I'm curious what you think. Can respecting a partner's privacy actually express trust, rather than limit intimacy?
I think the answer is yes.
In fact, I think the opposite is true as well: Not respecting a partner’s privacy can impede both trust and intimacy.
I’m curious what others think though.
I think that's an important point. When someone feels they have to account for every private thought, interest, or experience, it can start to feel less like intimacy and more like being under scrutiny.
To me, there's a difference between wanting to know someone deeply and feeling entitled to know absolutely everything about them. Even in a committed relationship, we're still individuals with our own inner lives.
And I suspect you're right: failing to respect those boundaries can create the very secrecy we're trying to avoid. If someone feels they can't have a private thought without explaining or defending it, they may become less inclined to share anything voluntarily.
I also like that you've opened the question up to others, because I imagine people draw that line in very different places.
I'd be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who sees it differently. Does keeping certain things private from a partner feel perfectly natural to you, or does it create a sense that something important is being withheld?