A place for candid conversation about masculinity, intimacy, identity, desire, and the things we rarely say out loud.
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@proud-archer That's an interesting observation, and I think there's something to it. When sex is a regular part of a relationship, I suppose it's easy to overlook some of the other things that keep two people together. When that changes, maybe you start to appreciate those things a little more.
I do wonder, though, whether having less sex actually creates a deeper intimacy, or whether it simply makes us more aware of what was already there. Maybe both.
What strikes me about your experience is that you've been pretty candid about missing partnered sex, but you're equally clear that you wouldn't change the relationship you've built over the past 25 years. I'm curious whether you've always been able to separate those two feelings, or whether you've come to understand that over time.
I do wonder, though, whether having less sex actually creates a deeper intimacy, or whether it simply makes us more aware of what was already there. Maybe both.
I think it’s the latter, and time has lot to with it. That deeper intimacy builds over time. Plenty of partnered sex doesn’t mean that deeper intimacy is absent, but it may make it more difficult to recognize.
Think of it as a treasure chest at the bottom of a lake. Only when the lake water recedes during a drought do you recognize the chest is there. In reality, it’s been present ever since it was deposited there.
I do not subscribe to the idea that less sex creates a deeper intimacy except maybe in rare circumstances.
I'm curious whether you've always been able to separate those two feelings, or whether you've come to understand that over time.
Again, it’s a factor of time. And I still struggle some days. It’s hard. It can be extremely frustrating. Early on in our relationship, I considered leaving her because our libidos weren’t fully aligned.
But love — there’s the word men truly struggle with — is a powerful force. It can prove powerful enough to counter that struggle and frustration and all the other relationship challenges life throws our way.
At one point, years ago, my husband and I both admitted that we really did not like partnered sex. Neither of us have ever been into anal sex, and neither of us find oral sex particularly great either. We've been happy in our relationship without sex for nearly 20 years now. We're both erotically charged by different things. For me, it's porn and masturbation. For him, it's bondage, discipline, a bit of pain and such. We no longer even masturbate together. Our physical intimacy is all stuff that would be safe for work. We do have an intensely strong emotional and mental connection. It probably sounds strange to most, but it has served us well.
@Proud Archer, I really like your treasure chest analogy. It makes an important distinction between intimacy developing over time and simply becoming more aware of what's already there.
And I appreciate your honesty about the frustration. Choosing to stay in a loving relationship doesn't mean the things we're missing suddenly stop mattering. I think we sometimes overlook that when talking about long-term relationships.
What you said about love being a powerful force really struck me, too. We tend to talk about happiness as though it means having all our needs met, but I suspect most lasting relationships involve accepting certain things we wish were different.
And that brings us right back to the poll. You seem to represent an interesting distinction between answering "Yes, I can be happy without sex" and "Yes, but that doesn't mean I'm always happy about the lack of sex."
Maybe that's why the question isn't quite as simple as the three choices suggest. Being happy in a relationship and being completely satisfied with every aspect of it aren't necessarily the same thing.
Your experience is a good reminder of that.
I don't think that sounds strange. What stands out to me is how comfortable you and your husband seem with yourselves and each other. You've built a relationship around a strong emotional and mental connection, mutual understanding, and the freedom to enjoy your individual erotic interests without expecting the other person to share them.
That's genuinely admirable. Being able to talk openly about what you do and don't enjoy, without either partner feeling pressured to meet some conventional expectation of what a marriage should look like, suggests a great deal of trust and acceptance.
And nearly 20 years of happiness together without partnered sex certainly brings an interesting perspective to this poll. We've heard from someone who deeply values his relationship despite missing sex, and now from someone whose relationship seems to thrive without it.
I think both experiences remind us that intimacy and fulfillment can look very different from one couple to another.
I'm curious, did that mutual understanding come naturally, or did it take some time for the two of you to realize that you could have a deeply satisfying relationship without partnered sex?
I'm curious, did that mutual understanding come naturally, or did it take some time for the two of you to realize that you could have a deeply satisfying relationship without partnered sex?
It took us quite a bit of time. First, we realized that we both had different 'agendas' when it came to partnered sex. We had very different likes/dislikes. So we agreed to open up the relationship, giving up the idea that monogamy would be successfully for us. (That took 2 or 3 years and a bit of couples therapy.) Then we experimented (together and separately). None of those experiments were very successful. Later, at one point we were discussing that experimentation period when we both realized that partnered sex (other than masturbation/mutual masturbation) wasn't something that either of us really enjoyed. Probably took us 5 or 6 years to reach that conclusion.
It took us quite a bit of time. First, we realized that we both had different 'agendas' when it came to partnered sex. We had very different likes/dislikes. So we agreed to open up the relationship, giving up the idea that monogamy would be successfully for us. (That took 2 or 3 years and a bit of couples therapy.) Then we experimented (together and separately). None of those experiments were very successful. Later, at one point we were discussing that experimentation period when we both realized that partnered sex (other than masturbation/mutual masturbation) wasn't something that either of us really enjoyed. Probably took us 5 or 6 years to reach that conclusion.
That’s a rather fascinating journey @cimba. It’s interesting how discovering your husband’s desires helped you learn about your own.
Of course, I fully realize that the initial question was intended more like "Could we be happy in a relationship with no partnered sex at all?" And to this question, I would answer, "No: I would not be happy if the absence of sex was a rejection." In my case, I know that my partner desires and loves me. He just doesn't need sex as much as I do. His low sex drive is not a rejection. Forcing him to have sex as much as I need would be disrespectful.
It occurred to me that @funky007 and I are saying much the same thing. A real danger to a relationship where the sex drives differ is that the individual with the greater libido may feel rejected by their lower sex drive partner. However, other types of intimacy can counter that sense of rejection.
We’re wired to recognize intimacy manifested through partnered sex. It is, I think, a major reason we desire it. As males, we’re “designed” to penetrate and ejaculate. Outside of sexual assault (which I in no way endorse), we require an invitation by our partner to enter them and ejaculate inside of them. That invitation transcribes as a uniquely intimate sense of acceptance.
We’re so conditioned to seek intimacy through partnered sex, it can prove difficult to recognize it outside of it. That’s where time in a long term relationship becomes an ally. I think men, in particular, are slow to learn about intimacy overall. We need that time for our partners to successfully convey other forms of recognized acceptance.
@Cimba, I appreciate you sharing more of that journey. What strikes me is that you and your husband didn't simply decide to live without sex. You spent years exploring different possibilities, including opening the relationship, before discovering that neither of you particularly enjoyed partnered sex in the first place. That's quite a realization to arrive at together, especially after all that experimentation and a little professional guidance along the way!
And @ProudArcher, I think you've touched on something important about the difference between a lack of sexual interest and a feeling of rejection. Those two things can easily get tangled, especially when partners have different libidos.
I do wonder whether we're sometimes too quick to equate sexual desire with feeling wanted. Sex can certainly be a powerful expression of acceptance and intimacy, but so can affection, tenderness, trust, and simply knowing that someone genuinely wants to share their life with you.
What I find fascinating about this conversation is how differently that plays out. For one couple, the absence of sex can be a genuine source of frustration. For another, letting go of the expectation of partnered sex can actually bring relief and greater understanding.
I think that's what makes this discussion so interesting. No single experience speaks for everyone, and I'm enjoying hearing how each of you has navigated these questions in your own relationships. It's certainly given me a few things to think about!
For one couple, the absence of sex can be a genuine source of frustration.
Many people (both men and women) have learned that intercourse is the only valid form of sex. For those who’ve internalized this discourse, the absence or scarcity of intercourse can be a genuine source of frustration, since they see no acceptable alternatives.
For another, letting go of the expectation of partnered sex can actually bring relief and greater understanding.
At least in my own relationship, I don’t think this fully applies to us. If “letting go of the expectation of partnered sex” brought relief, it is because of our "greater understanding", not the other way around.
I do wonder, though, whether having less sex actually creates a deeper intimacy, or whether it simply makes us more aware of what was already there. Maybe both.
Sex is a basic instinct, providing instant gratification. No thinking, no analysis needed. As I see it, when both partners are at the same speed, neither questions their validity in the couple because both get an animalistic recognition of their desirability. Only when there is a mismatch does questioning arise, a sense of unease exacerbated by how we have been brought up, from childhood, to believe in the central, absolute (foundational?) role of intercourse within a couple.
Having less sex does not create deeper intimacy, in my opinion. If the relationship has no other roots than sex to keep it alive, then a lack of sex will cause the relationship to wane. A long-lasting relationship, I believe, is multifaceted: each partner brings different strengths that make the couple better than the individual parts that make it up. Also, each partner should help the other grow and shine. Sex is only one part of the equation, but an easy, very gratifying one that easily takes the top spot, so relationships tend to be reduced to the ability to have sex.
@Funky007, I think you make a good point about understanding coming first. Looking back on my own experiences, I agree with you.
I'm not usually one to share much about my personal relationships here, but this conversation has had me thinking about one of my own. I was in a relationship for nearly 24 years, and what kept us together wasn't really the sex. It was the person, his personality, his humor, and that wonderful little buzz you get just being around someone you love. Sex was certainly an enjoyable part of it, but it wasn't the foundation.
We were also pretty open about our interests and desires, including the things we didn't necessarily share. And I think being able to talk about those differences actually brought us closer. It was really nice to know each other that well.
Of course, I probably would have answered this question differently when I was younger. Back then, sex was a much bigger part of what drove my relationships. But as I've gotten older, I've come to appreciate the companionship, laughter, affection, and simply enjoying someone's company a whole lot more.
So yes, I think I could be happy in a relationship without sex. Would I miss it occasionally? Probably. But I've experienced how much a relationship can offer beyond sex, and I wouldn't underestimate the value of those other things.
And I have to say, I've really enjoyed reading everyone's experiences here. You've all given me a few things to think about, and apparently even encouraged me to share a little more of my own story than I normally would!