My "old flame" was a man 20 years younger than me, a former roommate and more. In his prime he was ripped. I couldn't help but drop hints, especially before he moved out. Let's put it this way, I saw firsthand that he showed potential for reciprocity if he weren't in homophobic denial. If only I were gifted in the skill of seduction, it may have gone differently.

That sounds like one of those relationships where friendship, attraction, and possibility got pretty tangled, especially when you were living together and already had a degree of closeness.

What catches my attention is your phrase “potential for reciprocity.” Close friendships between men can be ambiguous, especially when attraction is present for one of them. A gesture or moment that feels charged to one person may mean something quite different to the other. Looking back, it can be tempting to wonder what might have happened if we had been bolder, more direct, or better at reading the situation.

I’m curious about something, though. With the benefit of hindsight, do you think you were primarily hoping he would be attracted to you too, or were you looking for some acknowledgment that the attraction and possibility between you were real, even if nothing ultimately happened? Those seem similar, but I’m not sure they are quite the same.

There were two clear incidents where I was able to tell that he had an attraction or turn on by men, one by seeing his browsing history on the computer I shared, and the other an insight of his alchemy of turn-on into anger, which I saw it in myself at his age, I would rather not go into detail over. Also his attitude toward nudity, I was able to get him to be comfortable with my seeing him, but he still habitually avoided seeing me, and the reason was avoidance of potentially being turned on. I wanted him to get real about whatever he felt. Sure I hoped he would be attracted, but I didn't realistically expect it.

That distinction makes more sense now. It sounds like you weren’t necessarily expecting anything to happen between you, but you did want him to be honest with himself about whatever he might have been feeling.

I think that uncertainty can be one of the harder parts of attraction within a friendship. You can notice things that seem meaningful, but you’re still interpreting someone else’s experience from the outside. Sometimes the unanswered question lasts much longer than the attraction itself.

I'm gay, so of course I've been attracted to straight guys — friend or not. But being attracted and acting on it are two different things! I respect my friends too much to put them in an awkward situation.

Absolutely. Attraction happens. What we choose to do with it is something else entirely.

And I think the friendship part matters. You can find a guy attractive, even really attractive, without feeling like you have to test the boundaries of the friendship or make him respond to it.

I’m curious, though. Has knowing that a friend is straight generally made it easier to put the attraction in its place, or does that little “what if?” still hang around sometimes?

I'll use an expression once said by one of my high school teachers: "Looking at the menu doesn't mean you have to eat everything that's on it." As I walk around town and see beautiful men, I see beauty that embellishes life, not necessarily potential sexual partners. Unless we both find ourselves in a context where that expectation exists, of course!

I like that distinction. Appreciating someone doesn’t automatically create an intention toward them. Sometimes an attractive man is simply an attractive man, and noticing him is enjoyable all by itself.

I also think context plays a big role. The exact same attraction can mean absolutely nothing in one setting and become considerably more interesting in another.

I do not recall being attracted to another male in the sense of desiring partnered sex with him. I have been attracted to straight friends — but all whom were female.

“Attractive” can hold different meanings. I have found male friends (straight or otherwise) attractive. But this attraction manifests itself as admiration, envy, or even a form of competition. We often wish we possessed what others are fortunate to have.

I have found myself increasingly drawn towards admiration of the human figure - both male and female - in art. However, that has more to do with celebration of our common humanity than with sexual attraction.

I think you’re right that admiration is probably a big part of it. We notice other men all the time- how they look, carry themselves, dress, their confidence, their physique- and sometimes we compare ourselves to them without even realizing we’re doing it.

What interests me is how blurry those categories can become. Admiration, comparison, envy, attraction. I’m not convinced they always arrive neatly labeled. Sometimes we may have to sit with a reaction for a moment before we even know which one we’re experiencing.

For some guys that I know, attraction necessarily means flirting and sex. So the question is a valid one.

@Funky007 That's a good point. I guess for some guys, finding someone attractive naturally leads to flirting or seeing where things might go. For others, it's perfectly enjoyable just to appreciate an attractive man and leave it at that.

I think that's part of what makes this interesting to me. We can look at the same guy, find him equally attractive, and react completely differently. And neither reaction is necessarily right or wrong.

Personally, I think there's something nice about being able to enjoy looking at another man without feeling that anything needs to come of it. Sometimes it's just that simple!

I have been attracted to many straight friends. I would never initiate anything physical with any of them. Depending on their character and reactions, our relationship could include a bit of innocent banter and flirting, but only if they do not feel threatened by it--at all.

Welcome to the conversation, @Cimba!

You've made an important distinction there. A little playful banter between friends can be perfectly harmless, even with some attraction involved, as long as both guys are genuinely comfortable with it.

And I like that you mentioned character and reactions, because every friendship has its own boundaries. What feels like innocent teasing with one friend might feel awkward with another.

I'm curious: have you found that a little harmless flirting can actually make a friendship more comfortable and open, even when you both know it's never going anywhere?

Posted by: @tony-admin

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I'm curious: have you found that a little harmless flirting can actually make a friendship more comfortable and open, even when you both know it's never going anywhere?

Yes, in most cases.

I've found that to be as well... in most cases 🙂